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Hollywood's Cat is out of the Bag and a Taylor Swift Conspiracy is Why
January 29, 2024
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By now you’ve probably seen the trailer for Argylle, which appears to be another Romancing the Stone retread with spies and a cat. It looks fun, and the stars are reliably charming enough, and director Matthew Vaughn has a decent track record. So until the movie comes out this weekend, what’s there to talk about?

A conspiracy theory, of course.

Not all conspiracy theories are about secret cabals of goat blood sucking hooded figures who secretly run the world. At least, I hope this essay doesn’t arrive at that conclusion, because of course I’m writing about Taylor Swift (who is definitely not in the thrall of goat blood sucking hooded figures who secretly run the world, right?). I mean sure, she’s the most influential person in music, media, and culture right now. Her life seems to be fairly public.

But what if she has a secret?

And what the heck does that have to do with a movie she’s not in?

Apparently Argylle is based on the debut novel by one Elly Conway, a New York recluse no one has ever seen. A novel by an unknown author getting optioned for a film trilogy, TWO AND A HALF YEARS before the book comes out (Deadline reported this in July of 2021, and the book just came out January 9th) is unusual to say the least. Some might say, it’s suspicious. 

I’m saying it’s suspicious. 

The main character in the book and movie is also named Elly Conway, so it’s fair to assume a pseudonym is at work. Given the hurdles one must manage to get a book and then a movie deal, even if the author wants to hide his or her real name, the odds of an unknown falling into this level of success are probably equal to getting struck by lightning and a meteor at the same time while holding a winning lottery ticket. 

Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Taylor Swift.

Elly Conway’s first Instagram post ever is of the book cover and she posted in when? On Taylor Swift’s birthday. Her third post, almost a year later, is of a cat in a backpack. But not just any cat in any backpack. Oh no! It’s a Scottish Fold, like T-Swift’s cat, in a bubble backpack like T-Swift uses. And you know who else has an affinity for argyle (ie: diamond prints)? You guessed it. 

Screenrant has all in the info here, along with links to the Tik-Toker who does the breakdown.

The idea that Elly Conway is actually Taylor Swift became so popular that the director and stars had to address it. Or not address it. Variety reports actor Bryan Cranston said, “I can’t confirm or deny the rumors about Ms. Swift. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her…” Henry Cavill took it a step further and said, “We wanted to make sure that the mystery was maintained, because she [Conway] wants the same thing.”

But there’s a more likely explanation.

YouTuber Joe aka “The Uber Geek” endorses another theory in a video from last Friday, and I think it’s plausible. Joe speculates that the novel is entirely AI generated, citing the numerous spelling and grammatical errors (the book is published by Penguin, a major publishing house), lack of plot, thin characterization, and an obsession with current events. I doubt even Stephen King could get away with all that, writing under his own name or another. 

What does director Matthew Vaughn have to say?

In the same Variety article he said, “It’s not Taylor Swift, but books do not write themselves. I wish they did. I wish screenplays wrote themselves. I wish movies directed themselves.” I have to wonder if he’s trying to get out ahead of something or flat out lying. Given the Writers Guild’s concerns about AI taking over their jobs, now is probably not the time to sell a movie as the first feature film based on a novel written by artificial intelligence. 

Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter.

At some point, either now or in the near future, traditionally published novels and Hollywood produced screenplays will be largely AI generated. And it’s probably now. There’s no way I’m going to read the Argylle novel, and if the movie is good there’s no way I’ll miss it. For now, the real entertainment is watching how clumsily the world is adapting and how comically bad the powers that be are in hiding it.

No goats were harmed in the writing of this article.

 

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If you'd like to buy the story and read ahead, it's available in the Fall 2020 issue of Cirsova, available here: https://amzn.to/3yRRywY

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Ironheart and Superman: A Failure to Launch

Yesterday two trailers were released for upcoming superhero projects. First, we had Marvel's Ironheart, which Disney has been sitting on for years at this point. Apparently it follows Riri Williams (Dominique Thorne), a young black woman at MIT who is (was?) intended to take over for Tony Stark as Ironwhathaveyou. If you haven't seen the trailer yet, take a look.

I stopped paying too much attention to the MCU a long time ago, but apparently Riri was introduced in Wakanda Forever, and her fans have been clamoring for a standalone show ever since (/sarcasm). Watching the trailer, I can't help but notice how many times we're told she's smart and capable. Any suggestion that she can't do something is shot down immediately. We're supposed to believe that The System is against is her because she's poor, I guess, and doesn't have Tony Stark's advantages.

Remember Tony Stark? Sure, he was rich. But he was also a self-absorbed man-child who found himself in a cave in Afghanistan who had to engineer his own escape with scrap parts. Tony Stark, who had to learn about self-sacrifice and the consequences of his actions. Robert Downey Jr. make us like the guy, with his easy charm, even though we wanted to see him grow up. There was room for a character arc. No offence to Dominique, but she doesn't have the charm, and her character clearly has nowhere to go.

A few hours later, Warner Bros./DC released the trailer for James Gunn's Superman, the latest reboot of the iconic superhero. We've been waiting for a good Superman for a long time. Something to reunite the fans, the casually interested, and possibly the entire country. And to be honest, I don't think this is gonna do it. Take a look.

Before I go any further, I want to spin my theory on the interview scene, which is a little different from what I'm hearing from most anyone else. Notice how David Corenswet pitches his voice really high when he says, "Sure!" At this point in the movie, I don't think Lois (Rachel Brasnahan) knows that Clark is Superman, and thinks he's just playacting. But when Clark drops his voice, he's showing his cards a little bit. Then, when he completely loses his cool, he's just acting how Lois thinks Superman would respond. In context (the scene is reportedly ten minutes long!), it might be interesting. Out of context, in a trailer, it's a stupid decision.

Throughout the entire trailer we see Superman smacked around, knocked out, screaming out in self-defense, and made fun of for having a dog. There are some super-heroics, to be sure, but they're mitigated by the overwhelming amount of thrashing he takes. Unlike Riri, I guess he's got some room for growth. But it doesn't inspire me to see the movie. Some are defending this approach, suggesting that someone with such a clear cut understanding of right and wrong would be frustrated and confused by our complex, political climate. And I agree. But his moral compass and grace towards an unfair world should have been set before leaving Smallville and going out into the world.

So on the one hand, we've got a flawless female character. And on the other, we've got an immature Superman. Neither character is attractive, warts and all. Neither character is relatable or inspiring in the ways the filmmakers intended, as presented. Maybe the show and movie will be good. But someone else will have to let me know. Because right now, I'm not inspired to see either one.

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What Do We Want? Familiar Originality! When Do We Want It? Now!

There is an ongoing debate over what movie audiences really want. On the one hand, there are those who bemoan the upcoming slate of films that are nothing but sequels and prequels. “People want original movies!” they say, and use the spectacular failure of recent comic book movies as proof. But when an original movie like the recent Black Bag doesn’t make a dent at the box office and is quietly shuffled onto streaming, the other side can say, “No they don’t.”

So which is it?

I say, both!

The average viewer likes familiarity. That’s why every night on TV millions of people watch the latest episode of their favorite procedural. Every episode is the same. Has been for years. Doesn’t matter if you’re watching Bones, House M.D., or NCIS, at the end of the day, the story beats are invariably the same. The characters fill the same archetypes. 

Even if you aren’t a student of scriptwriting, you know the flow.

Engaging with a story is sometimes like singing a song. Sometimes you want to sit back and listen to a master perform, but other times you want to join in. And if the tune is simple and familiar, you can learn new words that much more easily. If the melody is complex, with tempo and key changes, it demands attention. That’s when you just sit back and appreciate someone else’s artistry. 

More often than not, we’re drawn to the familiar. 

We go to the movies to be entertained more than we go to be challenged.

But Hollywood seems determined to challenge us. They challenge our ideas of who are familiar are. They challenge our core beliefs about right and wrong. When they do make something that isn’t from a well established intellectual property, they challenge us to accept an unfamiliar actor, who likely isn’t attractive or charming. Why should we want to get to know this person and the character he or she is playing?

We don’t. 

Mass appeal isn’t difficult. Our mainstream entertainment providers are making it difficult, probably in large part because they don’t know or understand what we want. And unless they do, people just like us will move to replace them. 

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Book Review - The Revenant and the Cult - Book Two: The Terror in the Wychwood

In the forward to The Revenant and the Cult - Book Two: The Terror in the Wychwood, author Herman P. Hunter mentions that his influences are J.R.R. Tolkien, Robert E. Howard, C.S. Lewis, and H.P. Lovecraft. While it may seem odd to intersperse deeply religious writers with those antagonistic to the idea of a benevolent God, from a writer’s perspective it makes sense.

For a fantasy writer, particularly one of faith, they are essential.

It’s also worth remembering that all four men were producing their greatest works around the same time on opposite sides of the Atlantic. Theirs was the golden age of worldbuilding, and it’s practically impossible for today’s writer of the fantastic not be influenced by their work, consciously or through osmosis. But to fully appreciate modern genre fiction, it’s to our advantage to drink deeply from their bibliographies.

Because genre fiction doesn’t always mean science fiction and fantasy.

As I noted in my review of The Revenant and the Cult - Book One: The Missing Spy, that story draws heavily from western tropes. Howard, always one to blaze his own trails, also dabbled in Lovecraft’s mythos, but before taking his own life seemed to be moving into writing cowboy stories. He was a Texan, after all. Unlike many authors, he was never satisfied staying in category for too long. 

With his series, Hunter is doing something similar, but different.

Tolkien’s work may be the pinnacle of fantasy writing and the standard to which all fantasy writers are held, as well as the guiding influence of Hunter’s work. But with The Terror in the Wychwood, he again draws heavily from his American brethren. In this story our main trio, Halsedric, Herodiani, and Roe must traverse through a swampy forrest of Lovecraftian horrors, fighting through hoards Frank Frazetta would have been happy to depict.

Two words: Moonlight Hunters.

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Christian and otherwise, alike.

As the series has gone on, Hunter’s writing has only gotten richer. The books fly by and are pleasant reading, even with the elevated style of the classics. Anyone looking for the pulp violence of Howard, with the weird of Lovecraft, the tenderness of Lewis, and the worldview of Tolkien will feel right at home.

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