Over the next few days you may find yourself sitting with your normie people discussing normie things. These could be friends or family you’ve hardly seen in the last twelve months, or masked strangers on a Zoom call because you haven’t left your house in three years and everyone is a stranger now and you can’t be too careful and OMG can you smell that because if you can’t you’ll probably kill Grandma.
Or, something.
However and with whomever you choose to celebrate, you should definitely catch up on whatever vacations they’ve taken, hobbies they’ve hobbed, or all the medical procedures they’ve had.
“Oh, you remodeled your bathroom? Tell me more. Pictures? Yes, please!”
Eventually, though, you’ll run out of internal organ problems to recite. Then the conversation will inevitably drift to the weather. “How about that El Niño? Sure is warm this year.” You’ll find yourself yawning even as you pray for the sweet release of a tidal wave washing over the house from a thawed polar ice cap. If your family is like mine, politics is even worse because we all agree. Trump, Biden, who cares? We know what’s up and it doesn’t need to be said. There might be that one person in the corner muttering to herself, but knowing she’s outnumbered and not wanting to cause a scene, she’ll remain quiet.
And for the record, you should never argue politics over the holidays.
Unless there are large quantities of alcohol on hand. Then, have your camera ready for that sweet, sweet viral video.
But seriously, there are so many more interesting ways to spark engaging conversation your loved ones. Start small. “Boy, I’m sure glad you got a real turkey. You never know until you carve into the thing if it’ll be a drone.” In response to their quizzical glances, explain that the CIA uses birds to spy on us and ask your uncle to pass the gravy. Enjoy the meal.
You don’t want everyone thinking you’re crazy.
After dinner wake everyone from their food comas by mentioning Epstein’s client list. Nothing brings family together like suggesting the world is run by an evil cabal of people who practice Satanic ritual abuse and sacrifice. It’s up to you to decide if adrenochrome is appropriate (probably not at the dinner table). But the Hillary Clinton emails are sure to spark some lively conversation. You’ll probably find that we’re all conspiracy theorists sometimes. However, if anyone mentions Pizza Gate, gently redirect the conversation.
We don’t want things taking a dark turn, you bunch of weirdos!
This is the perfect time to remind them that Iraq War was created as an opportunity to steal Nimrod’s body for genetic experiments, per Hillary’s request. See how easy this is? Trust me, everyone will be very impressed with your depth of knowledge. Now you’ve moved away from current events and have the entirety of human history at your disposal. The Smithsonian has the bones. It’s all a coverup to make us forget that giants walked among us.
With any luck, Bigfoot will wander through the backyard wearing a Santa hat and a Chinese spy balloon will crash bringing presents to all the good girls and boys.
Suddenly that bathroom remodel doesn’t seem so noteworthy, does it?
Someone’s gotta be the crazy cousin. No holiday gathering is complete without food, gifts, and conspiracy. Might as well be you.
Merry Christmas!