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Movie Review - The Robert Langdon Trilogy
July 31, 2023
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Last week and over the weekend I watched Ron Howard’s Robert Langdon trilogy, based on Dan Brown’s novels. When Howard and Tom Hanks teamed up for Apollo 13 they won numerous awards and near universal acclaim. This time (all three times, actually), not so much. Then again, with Apollo 13 they had a gripping true story. For this set of movies, they had books by an author whose titles cluttered first airport racks and now Goodwill shelves.

Brief popularity doesn’t mean longevity. 

Yet I watched all three in a row. How? Why? Well, the first question is easy. The movies were available on Peacock and are so segmented that I could catch a few scenes here, a few there, and not worry or care about a cinematic journey. Answering why I watched them is a little more complex. For one thing, the movies were leaving at the end of July, and nothing motivates me like a ticking clock. I’ve read The Da Vinci Code and used to have some of Brown’s other books on my shelf (I gave them away when we moved). I'd also seen the first two movies before, so I knew what to expect.

Knowing what to expect sometimes makes for a more relaxing experience.

Since I was looking for something to watch in the evenings after Mom went to bed, I didn’t want anything too bombastic. Someone noted that Robert Langdon is responsible for an entire generation of adventurers who go to the library rather than explore dangerous tombs. What’s less bombastic than a library? Even an ancient one filled with cultists?

Nothing.

Watching The Da Vinci Code, I got the feeling that I was watching a hacky religious movie for Gnostics, no better than some Christian or Mormon films for the budget or star power. In a weird inversion of how things usually go, the first movie may be the worst and the series only improves from there. The heresy on display is far older than most people realize, but I doubt it’s ever been more blatantly poured into the popular culture than it is here. 

But we love watching smart people solve puzzles, so we let it slide.

Angels & Demons is of more interest to conspiracy theorists, as it touches on two of their favorite topics: CERN and the Catholic Church. Once again, religious people take a hit. But it’s a glancing blow. Brown is clearly not a fan of organized religion, but even he has to admit there are some good people doing good things through it. At its core, the movie is basically the same. This time there’s greater emphasis on the ticking clock, but it’s all the same puzzles, teamups, and betrayals. 

But we love watching smart people solve puzzles, so we let it slide.

The final movie, Inferno, is a little different in that the cultists are climate extremists. It’s made very clear that saving the planet is their religion, and they’re the bad guys. Kinda makes you wonder if it would even get made today. Brown and Howard try to breathe new life into the formula in other ways, but really, if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. The ticking clock is even more prominent. The female sidekick is younger and prettier. The main antagonist is already dead. And yet, I was never gripped with suspense.

But I love watching smart people solve puzzles, so I let it slide.

As I worked my way through the trilogy, I often thought how much Howard was straining to chanel Hitchock, especially in the final installment. Langdon is an everyman, and in Inferno he has less of an idea what’s going on than in the others. Like Cary Grant in North by Northwest, Langdon is always on the run trying to stop something with major implications. Unfortunately, Opie lacks the Master’s touch, and our old Bosom Buddy is more frumpy than suave. 

Hitchcock also took popular novels that are now mostly forgotten and made great films out them. Not everyone can do that. Clearly.

Aside from the puzzles and the sense that I was learning something (even if it was heresies, myth, and bad readings of history), I stuck it out because of the locations. The movies are trash, but even they can’t take away the awe and grandeur of the European cities. I may never go to those places, and travel documentaries are fine, but wrapping them in a story, no matter how bad, creates a greater experience for me. Will I watch the movies again? Perhaps. But I have no interest in the books, because it’s all about the visuals, which are timeless, beautiful, and true. 

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Leo and Brittany have arrived on Saturn, but not in the way they'd hoped. Captured by a pagan cult, they don't have time to stop the unthinkable from happening. But they'll try anyway.

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Star Wars is dead and the more apathy you show the faster it will be allowed to rest in peace.

Instead of griping about what Disney has done, why don't you listen to my space adventure story? He Who Rides on the Clouds is supernatural noir that spans space and time. When children on Mars go missing, Alexis Leonard and his ex-wife Brittany go looking. Their search leads them to a pagan temple and an ancient religion.

If you'd like to buy the story and read ahead, it's available in the Fall 2020 issue of Cirsova, available here: https://amzn.to/3yRRywY

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Girl-Power Isn't the Problem: Stop Treating Movies Like TV Pilots

Last weekend I was able to sneak off the theater for a screening of From the World of John Wick: Ballerina. Did I feel silly, telling the high school girl at the ticket counter, “One for Ballerina, and a small drink”? Well, not in the moment. 

I probably drank a liter of cherry vanilla Coke Zero, and that didn’t feel so great.

Plenty of box office analysts and Hollywood types are wracking their brains, trying to figure out why movies like Furiosa and Ballerina aren’t drawing huge crowds. Mad Max and John Wick are popular franchises, but apparently telling the stories of the women in those worlds isn’t working. Even if the movies are pretty good.

I’ve seen both, and they’re pretty good.

Some are arguing that no one will go near a movie that looks like it’s feminist girl-bossing. Others counter that movies like Alien and Kill Bill are female-led action films that were successful. Now, I’m not going to say that Ballerina is on par with those modern day classics. But I will say that, as a man watching the movie, it didn’t offend me. The movie never challenged me to confront any internalized misogyny. The small girl doesn’t take down John Wick in hand-to-hand combat.

Honestly, if you like franchise, whether you’re male or female, you should watch Ballerina.

In short, from a purely cinematic experience perspective, neither Furiosa nor Ballerina would be any better or worse with a male lead. Maybe that’s a hot take. But that’s mine, for whatever it’s worth. Well, okay, I wouldn’t watch a movie called Ballerina if it stared a dude. Nevertheless, I think you get my point. Petite women warriors aside, the plots and action are exactly as expected.

So what’s the deal?

Well, what no one seems to have noticed is that Ripley and The Bride weren’t replacing anyone. As we were watching their movies for the first time, we weren’t thinking about other characters for whom we already had a preference. Movies are more like TV than TV right now, and replacement characters have always been a hard sell, regardless of gender. We all remember Sam and Diane. Who still talks about Sam and Rebecca (even though Kirstie Alley won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for the part)? I had to look up her name. 

No, they aren’t technically replacing them. It’s a spin-off, set in the same world.

Spin-offs tend to succeed when the characters are already well established (eg: Frasier). Furiosa and Ballerina are more like backdoor pilots, where new characters are dropped in for a single episode to sell us on the idea of a new show. This technique is very hit and miss on TV, and I can’t think of a single example of this working in a movie franchise. Film and television are very different mediums, and should be treated as such.

Still, if it doesn’t work on TV, it’s probably not gonna work at the movies. Not where new characters and spin-offs are concerned. 

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Going Back to 1995

Maybe I’m just getting old, but it doesn’t feel like we had the thriving and distinct pop culture of past generations. Has there been a look or stye, or feeling, that defines this moment? Everything seems to have stagnated for the last twenty years. And it’s not as if I don’t pay attention. 

It’s making me nostalgic. 

Consequently, for the rest of the year, I’m prioritizing movies from 1995, the year I was twelve. At that time, my family didn’t really go to the theater, and when we did rent VHS tapes, more often than it is was older Disney movies or entirely forgettable Christian titles. Now that I’ve grown tired of trying to keep up with new releases, not there’s much worth watching anyway, it feels like a good time to catch up on those 30 year old movies that have become ingrained in what’s left of our pop culture.

So over on Criticless, I made a list.

Some of these are movies I’ve seen before, but not in a long time. Others will be first time watches for me. There’s really no rhyme or reason to what I put on my list. It’s just movies that either interest me, or are currently in my collection, sadly unwatched. As things become available on streaming, I may add to the list. And if I don’t get to everything before the end of the year, no big deal.

Hopefully, they aren’t going anywhere. 

I’ll be posting some reviews and analysis as I go, so be sure to follow me here. 

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Ironheart and Superman: A Failure to Launch

Yesterday two trailers were released for upcoming superhero projects. First, we had Marvel's Ironheart, which Disney has been sitting on for years at this point. Apparently it follows Riri Williams (Dominique Thorne), a young black woman at MIT who is (was?) intended to take over for Tony Stark as Ironwhathaveyou. If you haven't seen the trailer yet, take a look.

I stopped paying too much attention to the MCU a long time ago, but apparently Riri was introduced in Wakanda Forever, and her fans have been clamoring for a standalone show ever since (/sarcasm). Watching the trailer, I can't help but notice how many times we're told she's smart and capable. Any suggestion that she can't do something is shot down immediately. We're supposed to believe that The System is against is her because she's poor, I guess, and doesn't have Tony Stark's advantages.

Remember Tony Stark? Sure, he was rich. But he was also a self-absorbed man-child who found himself in a cave in Afghanistan who had to engineer his own escape with scrap parts. Tony Stark, who had to learn about self-sacrifice and the consequences of his actions. Robert Downey Jr. make us like the guy, with his easy charm, even though we wanted to see him grow up. There was room for a character arc. No offence to Dominique, but she doesn't have the charm, and her character clearly has nowhere to go.

A few hours later, Warner Bros./DC released the trailer for James Gunn's Superman, the latest reboot of the iconic superhero. We've been waiting for a good Superman for a long time. Something to reunite the fans, the casually interested, and possibly the entire country. And to be honest, I don't think this is gonna do it. Take a look.

Before I go any further, I want to spin my theory on the interview scene, which is a little different from what I'm hearing from most anyone else. Notice how David Corenswet pitches his voice really high when he says, "Sure!" At this point in the movie, I don't think Lois (Rachel Brasnahan) knows that Clark is Superman, and thinks he's just playacting. But when Clark drops his voice, he's showing his cards a little bit. Then, when he completely loses his cool, he's just acting how Lois thinks Superman would respond. In context (the scene is reportedly ten minutes long!), it might be interesting. Out of context, in a trailer, it's a stupid decision.

Throughout the entire trailer we see Superman smacked around, knocked out, screaming out in self-defense, and made fun of for having a dog. There are some super-heroics, to be sure, but they're mitigated by the overwhelming amount of thrashing he takes. Unlike Riri, I guess he's got some room for growth. But it doesn't inspire me to see the movie. Some are defending this approach, suggesting that someone with such a clear cut understanding of right and wrong would be frustrated and confused by our complex, political climate. And I agree. But his moral compass and grace towards an unfair world should have been set before leaving Smallville and going out into the world.

So on the one hand, we've got a flawless female character. And on the other, we've got an immature Superman. Neither character is attractive, warts and all. Neither character is relatable or inspiring in the ways the filmmakers intended, as presented. Maybe the show and movie will be good. But someone else will have to let me know. Because right now, I'm not inspired to see either one.

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