I don’t get to the movies as much I once did. The summer of 2008 I was at the cinema every weekend and it was great. Sometimes I went twice. Last year I saw one movie. I miss it, but I am thankful that things come to streaming very quickly, and are often included on the services to which I already subscribe. It saves me a little precious money.
If I think to check.
I’d had it in mind to use a $6 coupon to rent Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, but yesterday I checked and saw it’d already landed on one of my subscriptions. Score! Now that I’ve seen the movie, I’m glad I didn’t waste any money, or even a coupon, on it. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is fine for passible entertainment. But it’s only mildly good and miles from great.
It’s content.
You don’t need to have ever played the game to enjoy the movie (I haven’t, and I kinda did), as it’s still a fantasy adventure film. But it borrows from the mold of the MCU and subverts itself at every opportunity. “This is kinda silly, huh?” You can’t really have fun with something when you’re simultaneously being fed that you're too cool for it. Subversion, thy name is irony. Playing that sort of game is fun in small doses, but unfortunately it’s everywhere now.
The plot is as such:
Edgin (Chris Pine) was a thief trying to support his daughter Kira (Chloe Coleman) after the death of his wife. Well, first he was a useless drunk until he met Holga (Michelle Rodriguez), who came alongside him as a sister. Together, they formed a merry band with Simon the terrible (ie: lousy) sorcerer and Forge (Hugh Grant) the conman. Unfortunately, a heist that would have gotten them the thingamabob that could resurrect Kira’s mom goes wrong. Edgin and Holga end up in prison for a couple years, and Forge adopts Kira.
When we meet them Egin is knitting and Holga is eating a potato.
And that tells you everything you need to know about the men in this movie. Egin knits, Simon has low self-esteem, Holga’s ex is a homemaker. There’s only one guy in the entire movie who isn’t an emasculated twit, Xenk (Regé-Jean Page), who's barely in the movie and his coolness is mocked.
The girl-power doesn’t get the same treatment.
Forge has convinced Kira that her father abandoned her for wealth, and she now prefers him to dear old dad. It kinda reminded me of The Mask of Zorro, and oh how I wished I was watching that instead. So now Egan and Holga have to find Simon, pick up a new team member (Sophia Lillis as Doric), and beat Forge at his own game. Unfortunately, while he’s also an idiot, he’s got a powerful sorceress, Sofina (Daisy Head) backing him. But if they can pull it off, Egin can reunite his family.
That’s laudable.
Egin’s goals aside, it’s hard to praise this movie for being anti-woke. He and his late wife were a TV commercial couple (if you know, you know), the men succeed in spite of themselves, while all the women are awesome. As Spencer Klavan said in a couple of tweets:
“The idea that conservatives would celebrate Dungeons and Dragons… as un- or even anti-woke is in fact a total victory for wokeness. It shows how thoroughly they’ve managed to set the terms of the debate.
I quite liked D&D but it features an axe-wielding girlboss who ground-pounds bruisers twice her size while hapless dweeb Chris Pine looks on in soyful appreciation. Mario re-writes the damsel in distress as a warrior princess at the helm of vast armies.
A real conservative movement in this realm, though, would mean demanding and creating stories in which damsels really are in distress, and men really are inspired to save them by performing feats of heroism. That should be *the baseline*.
Anything else is just temporary concession on the part of a movement that does not really intend to compromise or to grant us even small victories in anything but the shortest possible term, as long as it takes for us not to recognize while the rest of the territory is captured.
In other words, Hollywood tossed us a bone with very little meat on it.
Again, I found some mild entertainment in the midst of the nonsense. I wouldn’t walk out of the room if it was on. But neither would I seek it out to see again.