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TV Review: The Ark ep 11 - "The Last Thing You Ever Do"
April 14, 2023
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Hope you aren’t squeamish, because this week’s episode of The Ark has spiders, dislocated fingers, kissing (ew!), and this review has spoilers.

When we last left our heroes, William Trust (rhymes with Elon Musk) and Lane were locked in the brig on Ark 15, while the psychopath Kelly tried to make Angus her new pet. Meanwhile, Garnet has snuck aboard, leaving the very sick Brice in command of Ark 1. She was able to sneak in through a back door while a crew member delivered spider DNA.

As you do.

The spider DNA is the key ingredient to curing Klampkin’s Disease, from which Brice and Evelynn Maddox (Kelly’s psycho mom and leader of Ark 15) both suffer. But Garnet held onto the magic spiders and sent Evelynn regular spiders, buying them some time. A ticking clock is introduced when Alicia explains that Ark 15’s doctor will realize that in a few hours.

Tik-tock, tik-tock

Garnet is able to hack into Ark 15’s computer in the most realistic way possible (reboot, command, enter code, etc) and I was amused to see that in the distant future they still use file folder icons. Anyway, the crew of Ark 1 is able to fiddle with Ark 15’s systems without anyone noticing, while Garnet goes after Angus.

Oh, Angus.

The farmboy knows he can manipulate the unstable Kelly, and while he flubbed it last time he gets a second chance. Because she’s psycho! Kelly invites him to have dinner with her mom, and things don’t get off to a great start. Then someone catches sight of Garnet while she’s in the lab figuring out the other two ingredients for the Klampkin’s cure and manages to set off the intruder alarm, Evelynn has a heart attack thanks to Klampkin’s, and Angus saves her life. 

Two points for House Agriculture!

Garnet gets to the brig, hoping to find Angus (because screw the other hostages) and just finds, well, the other hostages. Then security shows up and she joins them in lockup. With her com taken away, things on Ark 1 get tense and Brice also has a Klampkin’s attack. Dr. Kabir explains that the duration of the attacks reflects the progression of the disease. The next attack could be fatal. Time to set another clock.

Tik-tock, tik-tock

The next morning Angus convinces Kelly to take him to see his friends, and bashes Kelly over the head with a breakfast tray, allowing them to escape. Ark 15’s doctor breaks the bad news to Evelynn that they don’t have the magic spiders. And then Garnet and company try to steal the shuttle. Back on Ark 1, Brice demands the Klampkin’s cure before it can be tested and it’s almost fatal. But Eva can’t stay with him because she needs to figure out how to stop Ark 15’s weapon.

It’s a lot of plot for 45 minutes, and I am here for it.

However…

“The Last Thing You Ever Do” is The Ark at both its best and its, well not worst. But weakest. You get the sense that they fell behind schedule and things aren’t as polished as they should be. From Alicia’s accent doing some bizarre things, to Dr. Kabir saying “exasperate” when she means “exacerbate,” some retread ground, and a throwaway scene with Cat (was there something in her contract for so much screen time?), there are some glaring problems. Problems that could have been easily fixed.

But there’s no time!

I do like the way they’re developing Felix’s character. I like that Angus is growing up. I like the idea that rushing a miracle cure ended up giving the world's population a bigger problems (sound familiar?). I genuinely like the simplicity of the plot. Viewership is going up, so I hope this bodes well for a second season.

 

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F1 is Modern Western

As a nation, the United States is unique. We don’t share a genetic heritage, but a creed. Americans and our ideas come from all over the world. But we’re at our best when take those outside ideas and make them our own. Everything we have came from another culture, but there was a time when we could take things and collectively make them better.

Democracy? Check. Rock’n’roll? Check. Heck! Chinese food? Yes, we did.

Don’t hate. You know I’m right.

One of the greatest art forms we’ve given the world is the western genre. While rooted in courtly romances of King Arthur, we took the idea of the man on horseback who makes things right on his quest for something spiritual and made it distinctly American. Most of the time, these stories aren’t historically accurate, but that’s not the point. They’re soaked in the American ethos. For better or for worse, the western has become the American myth, even more so than 1776.

And the cool thing about myths is that you can take them and tell other stories. 

Star Trek (and later Firefly) took the western to space. 

A few weeks ago I was able to see F1: The Movie on IMAX, and I had high hopes. Director Joseph Krasinski had proved himself with Top Gun: Maverick, which is about as American as a modern movie can get. But mostly, I just wanted to see if he could do with racecars what he’d done with fighter jets. In that regard, I was everything I’d hoped it would be. The idea of Americanism didn’t even cross my mind, since F1 is primarily a European sport.

Boy, was I surprised.

Brad Pitt plays Sonny Hayes with all the careless cool of Paul Newman in his prime and a Steve McQueen swagger. While Pitt has never played a cowboy and isn’t a racecar driver in real life, Newman and McQueen played both, and did both. Hayes has been keeping himself busy with no-name races since an F1 crash nearly killed him some 30 years before. But when Ruben Cervantes (Javier Bardem), an old friend and rival, needs some wins to save the team, he tracks down Sonny.

And the old dog knows a few tricks.

Naturally, his tactics put him at odds with his teammate, Joshua Pierce (Damson Idris), and his cocky attitude is a big red flag to the team’s engineer, Kate McKenna (Kerry Conden). So the movie all the tropes of a sports film, and I don’t think I need to summarize further. But it’s not a sports film. Or rather, it’s not just a sports a film. Surprise, surprise, it’s the western myth transposed into a racing a story.

It’s spelled out in the trailer, but it didn’t strike me until the very end.

Kate calls Sonny Hayes an “old school rough and tumble cowboy” in a line used in the marketing. When he arrives in the garage, only Ruben knows him. Sonny is the stranger in town. Like James Garner in Support Your Local Sheriff, his method of restoring order and winning is unorthodox and effective. Like Shane, in that Alan Ladd classic, he’s guarded about his past. And like John Wayne in The Searchers and so many other westerns, Sonny Hayes is the outsider who must leave civilization once he’s made it civilized for those who belong there.

But he doesn’t.


Perhaps the hardboiled crime story, another uniquely American genre, is also an outgrowth of the western. Philip Marlow is the man who must walk down mean streets, who is not himself mean. As Raymond Chandler said, “He is a lonely man and his pride is that you will treat him as a proud man or be very sorry you ever saw him.” Basically, the man he’s describing is dangerous, but not cruel. Dispassionate in taking revenge, and restrained by a code of honor.

But destined to be lonely, nonetheless.

Why we’ve made that an essential part of the American is a topic for another time. But there it is. And it’s the story of Sonny Hayes. At the end of the movie [SPOILER], he rides off into the sunset as the credits roll. The western isn’t dead. It’s still there, in essence, speaking to our hearts in different ways.

Nothing more American than that. 

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Girl-Power Isn't the Problem: Stop Treating Movies Like TV Pilots

Last weekend I was able to sneak off the theater for a screening of From the World of John Wick: Ballerina. Did I feel silly, telling the high school girl at the ticket counter, “One for Ballerina, and a small drink”? Well, not in the moment. 

I probably drank a liter of cherry vanilla Coke Zero, and that didn’t feel so great.

Plenty of box office analysts and Hollywood types are wracking their brains, trying to figure out why movies like Furiosa and Ballerina aren’t drawing huge crowds. Mad Max and John Wick are popular franchises, but apparently telling the stories of the women in those worlds isn’t working. Even if the movies are pretty good.

I’ve seen both, and they’re pretty good.

Some are arguing that no one will go near a movie that looks like it’s feminist girl-bossing. Others counter that movies like Alien and Kill Bill are female-led action films that were successful. Now, I’m not going to say that Ballerina is on par with those modern day classics. But I will say that, as a man watching the movie, it didn’t offend me. The movie never challenged me to confront any internalized misogyny. The small girl doesn’t take down John Wick in hand-to-hand combat.

Honestly, if you like franchise, whether you’re male or female, you should watch Ballerina.

In short, from a purely cinematic experience perspective, neither Furiosa nor Ballerina would be any better or worse with a male lead. Maybe that’s a hot take. But that’s mine, for whatever it’s worth. Well, okay, I wouldn’t watch a movie called Ballerina if it stared a dude. Nevertheless, I think you get my point. Petite women warriors aside, the plots and action are exactly as expected.

So what’s the deal?

Well, what no one seems to have noticed is that Ripley and The Bride weren’t replacing anyone. As we were watching their movies for the first time, we weren’t thinking about other characters for whom we already had a preference. Movies are more like TV than TV right now, and replacement characters have always been a hard sell, regardless of gender. We all remember Sam and Diane. Who still talks about Sam and Rebecca (even though Kirstie Alley won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for the part)? I had to look up her name. 

No, they aren’t technically replacing them. It’s a spin-off, set in the same world.

Spin-offs tend to succeed when the characters are already well established (eg: Frasier). Furiosa and Ballerina are more like backdoor pilots, where new characters are dropped in for a single episode to sell us on the idea of a new show. This technique is very hit and miss on TV, and I can’t think of a single example of this working in a movie franchise. Film and television are very different mediums, and should be treated as such.

Still, if it doesn’t work on TV, it’s probably not gonna work at the movies. Not where new characters and spin-offs are concerned. 

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Maybe I’m just getting old, but it doesn’t feel like we had the thriving and distinct pop culture of past generations. Has there been a look or stye, or feeling, that defines this moment? Everything seems to have stagnated for the last twenty years. And it’s not as if I don’t pay attention. 

It’s making me nostalgic. 

Consequently, for the rest of the year, I’m prioritizing movies from 1995, the year I was twelve. At that time, my family didn’t really go to the theater, and when we did rent VHS tapes, more often than it is was older Disney movies or entirely forgettable Christian titles. Now that I’ve grown tired of trying to keep up with new releases, not there’s much worth watching anyway, it feels like a good time to catch up on those 30 year old movies that have become ingrained in what’s left of our pop culture.

So over on Criticless, I made a list.

Some of these are movies I’ve seen before, but not in a long time. Others will be first time watches for me. There’s really no rhyme or reason to what I put on my list. It’s just movies that either interest me, or are currently in my collection, sadly unwatched. As things become available on streaming, I may add to the list. And if I don’t get to everything before the end of the year, no big deal.

Hopefully, they aren’t going anywhere. 

I’ll be posting some reviews and analysis as I go, so be sure to follow me here. 

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