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Random Disjointed Thoughts on a Random Disjointed Movie
February 21, 2023
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Disclaimer: I’ve been in something of “a mood” the last few days. So if this piece seems a little scattershot or snarky… well, you’ve been warned.

The other night I was looking for something to watch after Mom went to bed. After scrolling for far too long, I finally settled on Mars Attacks!, the 1996 Tim Burton film that disappointed the box office. I vaguely remember when the movie was released and thought it looked interesting, but it’s taken me a few decades to finally getting around to watching it. I’d say I wish I hadn’t waited so long, because I really do like it, but I don’t know that it’s anything I’m in a hurry to see again or share with anyone else.

Except you, of course, dear readers.

The movie is actually based (inspired?) by a series of bubblegum cards. So if you think Hollywood scraping for ideas is a new problem, here’s proof it’s not. Basically, the trading cards just showed giant-brained aliens destroying Norman Rockwell-esque moments in colorful ways. Weird, but okay. The movie even takes the opportunity to pay homage to some of the cards, but it was on Jonathan Gems to patch it all together into a story. He only wrote three movies, of which this is the third and his last (according to IMDb) is terrible.

Take that as you will.

Really, though, this is a Tim Burton movie with a huge cast and typically meandering story. In that way, Mars Attacks! kinda reminds me of Dark Shadows (which I also kinda enjoy), in that the there’s no real flow or structure. Mostly, we just get a series of amusing moments that are loosely tied together. I think either of those movies would have been better received if Burton had hewn closer to a traditional arc, and that the source material or putting Mars in the title can’t take all the blame.

Everyone knows that putting Mars in the title is box office poison, right?

The premise is that obviously evil aliens (I mean, just look at them) land in both Washington D.C. and Las Vegas to unleash mayhem. Sweet, naive souls that we are, everyone wants to believe that they come in peace. Their language sounds like gibberish, but in a matter of hours linguists hook up an electronic translator, and they even say they come in peace.

Before they start blasting.

Let’s put on our tin foil hats for a second, shall we? Conspiracy theorists love to talk about “predictive programing” where something happens in fiction to prepare us for it in reality. Did The Simpsons and The Lone Gunmen accidentally predict 9/11? Or did they forecast it? How about Netflix making a show about a train wrecking in Palestine, OH and spilling toxic waste a few months before a train wrecks in Palestine, OH and spills toxic waste?

How about Mars Attacks! showing aliens invading Las Vegas, and then years later there are a bunch of UFOs seen over Las Vegas

The part that made me laugh the hardest was when Grandma Florence says, “They blew up Congress! Ha ha ha ha!” which I would never want to happen in reality. Of course. That would be terrible. Right? Uh, right. 

Moving on.

Watching Mars Attacks! in 2023 has a different resonance than it could have had in 1996. The whole country knows that Martians have landed and are indiscriminately killing people, but the government doesn’t put people in lockdown? C’mon man! The President is a tough-talking empty suit, who is led around by a bunch of idiots. As if that could ever happen. And it seems like we’re seeing more UFOs than ever, and no one cares.

At least we’re shooting them down now.

Actually, I’d love to see a remake where the President and the aliens communicate just fine because they both speak gibberish. I’d love it even more if woke ideologies are what steer humanity right into the jaws of destruction. Throw in some TikTok stars getting zapped and keep old country music saving the day, and you’ve got my new, favorite movie.

As is, Mars Attacks! is fine. 

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Girl-Power Isn't the Problem: Stop Treating Movies Like TV Pilots

Last weekend I was able to sneak off the theater for a screening of From the World of John Wick: Ballerina. Did I feel silly, telling the high school girl at the ticket counter, “One for Ballerina, and a small drink”? Well, not in the moment. 

I probably drank a liter of cherry vanilla Coke Zero, and that didn’t feel so great.

Plenty of box office analysts and Hollywood types are wracking their brains, trying to figure out why movies like Furiosa and Ballerina aren’t drawing huge crowds. Mad Max and John Wick are popular franchises, but apparently telling the stories of the women in those worlds isn’t working. Even if the movies are pretty good.

I’ve seen both, and they’re pretty good.

Some are arguing that no one will go near a movie that looks like it’s feminist girl-bossing. Others counter that movies like Alien and Kill Bill are female-led action films that were successful. Now, I’m not going to say that Ballerina is on par with those modern day classics. But I will say that, as a man watching the movie, it didn’t offend me. The movie never challenged me to confront any internalized misogyny. The small girl doesn’t take down John Wick in hand-to-hand combat.

Honestly, if you like franchise, whether you’re male or female, you should watch Ballerina.

In short, from a purely cinematic experience perspective, neither Furiosa nor Ballerina would be any better or worse with a male lead. Maybe that’s a hot take. But that’s mine, for whatever it’s worth. Well, okay, I wouldn’t watch a movie called Ballerina if it stared a dude. Nevertheless, I think you get my point. Petite women warriors aside, the plots and action are exactly as expected.

So what’s the deal?

Well, what no one seems to have noticed is that Ripley and The Bride weren’t replacing anyone. As we were watching their movies for the first time, we weren’t thinking about other characters for whom we already had a preference. Movies are more like TV than TV right now, and replacement characters have always been a hard sell, regardless of gender. We all remember Sam and Diane. Who still talks about Sam and Rebecca (even though Kirstie Alley won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for the part)? I had to look up her name. 

No, they aren’t technically replacing them. It’s a spin-off, set in the same world.

Spin-offs tend to succeed when the characters are already well established (eg: Frasier). Furiosa and Ballerina are more like backdoor pilots, where new characters are dropped in for a single episode to sell us on the idea of a new show. This technique is very hit and miss on TV, and I can’t think of a single example of this working in a movie franchise. Film and television are very different mediums, and should be treated as such.

Still, if it doesn’t work on TV, it’s probably not gonna work at the movies. Not where new characters and spin-offs are concerned. 

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Going Back to 1995

Maybe I’m just getting old, but it doesn’t feel like we had the thriving and distinct pop culture of past generations. Has there been a look or stye, or feeling, that defines this moment? Everything seems to have stagnated for the last twenty years. And it’s not as if I don’t pay attention. 

It’s making me nostalgic. 

Consequently, for the rest of the year, I’m prioritizing movies from 1995, the year I was twelve. At that time, my family didn’t really go to the theater, and when we did rent VHS tapes, more often than it is was older Disney movies or entirely forgettable Christian titles. Now that I’ve grown tired of trying to keep up with new releases, not there’s much worth watching anyway, it feels like a good time to catch up on those 30 year old movies that have become ingrained in what’s left of our pop culture.

So over on Criticless, I made a list.

Some of these are movies I’ve seen before, but not in a long time. Others will be first time watches for me. There’s really no rhyme or reason to what I put on my list. It’s just movies that either interest me, or are currently in my collection, sadly unwatched. As things become available on streaming, I may add to the list. And if I don’t get to everything before the end of the year, no big deal.

Hopefully, they aren’t going anywhere. 

I’ll be posting some reviews and analysis as I go, so be sure to follow me here. 

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Ironheart and Superman: A Failure to Launch

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I stopped paying too much attention to the MCU a long time ago, but apparently Riri was introduced in Wakanda Forever, and her fans have been clamoring for a standalone show ever since (/sarcasm). Watching the trailer, I can't help but notice how many times we're told she's smart and capable. Any suggestion that she can't do something is shot down immediately. We're supposed to believe that The System is against is her because she's poor, I guess, and doesn't have Tony Stark's advantages.

Remember Tony Stark? Sure, he was rich. But he was also a self-absorbed man-child who found himself in a cave in Afghanistan who had to engineer his own escape with scrap parts. Tony Stark, who had to learn about self-sacrifice and the consequences of his actions. Robert Downey Jr. make us like the guy, with his easy charm, even though we wanted to see him grow up. There was room for a character arc. No offence to Dominique, but she doesn't have the charm, and her character clearly has nowhere to go.

A few hours later, Warner Bros./DC released the trailer for James Gunn's Superman, the latest reboot of the iconic superhero. We've been waiting for a good Superman for a long time. Something to reunite the fans, the casually interested, and possibly the entire country. And to be honest, I don't think this is gonna do it. Take a look.

Before I go any further, I want to spin my theory on the interview scene, which is a little different from what I'm hearing from most anyone else. Notice how David Corenswet pitches his voice really high when he says, "Sure!" At this point in the movie, I don't think Lois (Rachel Brasnahan) knows that Clark is Superman, and thinks he's just playacting. But when Clark drops his voice, he's showing his cards a little bit. Then, when he completely loses his cool, he's just acting how Lois thinks Superman would respond. In context (the scene is reportedly ten minutes long!), it might be interesting. Out of context, in a trailer, it's a stupid decision.

Throughout the entire trailer we see Superman smacked around, knocked out, screaming out in self-defense, and made fun of for having a dog. There are some super-heroics, to be sure, but they're mitigated by the overwhelming amount of thrashing he takes. Unlike Riri, I guess he's got some room for growth. But it doesn't inspire me to see the movie. Some are defending this approach, suggesting that someone with such a clear cut understanding of right and wrong would be frustrated and confused by our complex, political climate. And I agree. But his moral compass and grace towards an unfair world should have been set before leaving Smallville and going out into the world.

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