Disclaimer: I’ve been in something of “a mood” the last few days. So if this piece seems a little scattershot or snarky… well, you’ve been warned.
The other night I was looking for something to watch after Mom went to bed. After scrolling for far too long, I finally settled on Mars Attacks!, the 1996 Tim Burton film that disappointed the box office. I vaguely remember when the movie was released and thought it looked interesting, but it’s taken me a few decades to finally getting around to watching it. I’d say I wish I hadn’t waited so long, because I really do like it, but I don’t know that it’s anything I’m in a hurry to see again or share with anyone else.
Except you, of course, dear readers.
The movie is actually based (inspired?) by a series of bubblegum cards. So if you think Hollywood scraping for ideas is a new problem, here’s proof it’s not. Basically, the trading cards just showed giant-brained aliens destroying Norman Rockwell-esque moments in colorful ways. Weird, but okay. The movie even takes the opportunity to pay homage to some of the cards, but it was on Jonathan Gems to patch it all together into a story. He only wrote three movies, of which this is the third and his last (according to IMDb) is terrible.
Take that as you will.
Really, though, this is a Tim Burton movie with a huge cast and typically meandering story. In that way, Mars Attacks! kinda reminds me of Dark Shadows (which I also kinda enjoy), in that the there’s no real flow or structure. Mostly, we just get a series of amusing moments that are loosely tied together. I think either of those movies would have been better received if Burton had hewn closer to a traditional arc, and that the source material or putting Mars in the title can’t take all the blame.
Everyone knows that putting Mars in the title is box office poison, right?
The premise is that obviously evil aliens (I mean, just look at them) land in both Washington D.C. and Las Vegas to unleash mayhem. Sweet, naive souls that we are, everyone wants to believe that they come in peace. Their language sounds like gibberish, but in a matter of hours linguists hook up an electronic translator, and they even say they come in peace.
Before they start blasting.
Let’s put on our tin foil hats for a second, shall we? Conspiracy theorists love to talk about “predictive programing” where something happens in fiction to prepare us for it in reality. Did The Simpsons and The Lone Gunmen accidentally predict 9/11? Or did they forecast it? How about Netflix making a show about a train wrecking in Palestine, OH and spilling toxic waste a few months before a train wrecks in Palestine, OH and spills toxic waste?
How about Mars Attacks! showing aliens invading Las Vegas, and then years later there are a bunch of UFOs seen over Las Vegas?
The part that made me laugh the hardest was when Grandma Florence says, “They blew up Congress! Ha ha ha ha!” which I would never want to happen in reality. Of course. That would be terrible. Right? Uh, right.
Moving on.
Watching Mars Attacks! in 2023 has a different resonance than it could have had in 1996. The whole country knows that Martians have landed and are indiscriminately killing people, but the government doesn’t put people in lockdown? C’mon man! The President is a tough-talking empty suit, who is led around by a bunch of idiots. As if that could ever happen. And it seems like we’re seeing more UFOs than ever, and no one cares.
At least we’re shooting them down now.
Actually, I’d love to see a remake where the President and the aliens communicate just fine because they both speak gibberish. I’d love it even more if woke ideologies are what steer humanity right into the jaws of destruction. Throw in some TikTok stars getting zapped and keep old country music saving the day, and you’ve got my new, favorite movie.
As is, Mars Attacks! is fine.