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The Chive's List of the Most Anticipated Movies of '23 and My Reactions
January 06, 2023

Last night as I was scrolling The Chive, as I often do, I saw a list of this year’s most anticipated movies. Now, as someone who loves all media I thought I was on top of all the upcoming releases. Oh, how wrong I was. Most anticipated? I wasn’t even aware of some of these, and to be honest, only one of them has me really excited.

Let’s take a look.

Renfield

I’d heard vague rumblings of another Nic Cage vampire movie. But until someone sent me the trailer yesterday I hadn’t paid much attention. I should have known it’s a comedy. Once again, Hollywood is trying to mash monsters and superheroes, and I doubt this will be a cinematic universe starter. Cage never disappoints, though.

Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Growing up, my parents wisely limited how many franchises I could follow. They probably saw them for what they were: a means of selling toys. So Ninja Turtles were not a part of my childhood. Pass.

65

Adam Driver isn’t a future governor (or is he?), and he’s certainly not Arnold or Jesse, so I’ll likely ignore this Predator knockoff. 

The Color Purple

A musical adaptation of that Oprah Book Club and Whoopie Goldberg property? Probably not for me.

Chicken Run 2: Dawn of the Nugget

I always heard good things about the original Chicken Run. I hope other people enjoy it.

Kraven the Hunter

This was probably the biggest shock on the list. How did I not know about a Kraven movie? Of all the Spider-Man villains, he is arguably the most nuanced. It’s a pity that Sam Raimi never got to cast his buddy Bruce Campbell as Kraven. Looking at the cast list, this looks like another Spidy-free outing from Sony, and as such, it’s too little and way too late.

Napoleon

A big biopic of the little man that could, at least color me interested.

Salem’s Lot

While the recent IT films were mildly entertaining while I waited for the next season of Stranger Things, maybe we should let Stephen King’s catalog rest in peace.

Children of Blood & Bone

Another hopeful franchise starter based on a YA book series, I expect this one will whither from the disease of wokeness. Add it to the pile.

Fast X

Another Fast & Furious movie, no matter how bad, will have me in the theater ASAP. However, the last couple of movies have been so bad, even my enthusiasm is waning.

Cocaine Bear

‘Nuff said

Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

One of these days I’ll go back and watch the first two Transformers movies, which I used to joke I only watched for two reasons and both of them were Megan Fox. But as the franchise (another my parents forced me to ignore) lumbers on, I really couldn’t care less. Now, if they do a crossover with Jurassic Park and/or The Fast and the Furious, that's another story.

The Little Mermaid

Does this movie need to be part of our world? 

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

I anticipate many hilarious reviews, but not the movie itself. Hopefully it’s so bad it’s good.

DC’s The Flash

Don’t get your hopes up. There’s still time for WB to shelf this one, and they probably will.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

If the rumors are true, Indy 5 will be an epic disaster. They had a good concept, but since Disney is incapable of respecting their elders I doubt this will be the Top Gun: Maverick of the franchise. Anticipate? More like dread.

Ghostbusters: Afterlife 2

The first one was fun. Color me intrigued.

Legally Blonde 3

I just feel like watching Reese return to this character at her age will be painfully awkward.

The Haunted Mansion

AGAIN? It’s not gonna happen, Disney.

M3gan

Horror continues to be the most reliable genre. This one will have scary little legs, but it’s an easy pass for me. No thanks.

Mission: Impossible Dead Reckoning - Part 1

This actually is my most anticipated movie of the year. The trailer promises old Hollywood grandeur and spectacle. Don’t be surprised if this is the last action franchise standing.

The Marvels

Disney scrapes the bottom of another barrel.

Wonka

Could be fun, but I doubt it.

Oppenheimer

I like Christopher Nolan best when he’s limited by established history, whether that be Batman or actual events. This one is gonna be good.

Super Mario Bros.

After the first try a failure of legendary proportions, I’m impressed that they’re even trying again. I guess we’ve had a generation to forget. Probably good move going animated this time.

John Wick: Chapter 4

I came to the franchise late (I don’t like movies where the dog dies), but this is my second-most anticipated film. I love the world building and look forward to seeing more. The crazy violence doesn’t hurt.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania

The first Ant-Man is a fun movie, but enough is enough

Barbie

The teaser is shockingly good. If the movie has the same energy, I might actually give it a look.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

I’m looking forward to the soundtrack, but the movie not so much.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

The first one is really, really good. I need to watch it again. High hopes for the sequel.

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F1 is Modern Western

As a nation, the United States is unique. We don’t share a genetic heritage, but a creed. Americans and our ideas come from all over the world. But we’re at our best when take those outside ideas and make them our own. Everything we have came from another culture, but there was a time when we could take things and collectively make them better.

Democracy? Check. Rock’n’roll? Check. Heck! Chinese food? Yes, we did.

Don’t hate. You know I’m right.

One of the greatest art forms we’ve given the world is the western genre. While rooted in courtly romances of King Arthur, we took the idea of the man on horseback who makes things right on his quest for something spiritual and made it distinctly American. Most of the time, these stories aren’t historically accurate, but that’s not the point. They’re soaked in the American ethos. For better or for worse, the western has become the American myth, even more so than 1776.

And the cool thing about myths is that you can take them and tell other stories. 

Star Trek (and later Firefly) took the western to space. 

A few weeks ago I was able to see F1: The Movie on IMAX, and I had high hopes. Director Joseph Krasinski had proved himself with Top Gun: Maverick, which is about as American as a modern movie can get. But mostly, I just wanted to see if he could do with racecars what he’d done with fighter jets. In that regard, I was everything I’d hoped it would be. The idea of Americanism didn’t even cross my mind, since F1 is primarily a European sport.

Boy, was I surprised.

Brad Pitt plays Sonny Hayes with all the careless cool of Paul Newman in his prime and a Steve McQueen swagger. While Pitt has never played a cowboy and isn’t a racecar driver in real life, Newman and McQueen played both, and did both. Hayes has been keeping himself busy with no-name races since an F1 crash nearly killed him some 30 years before. But when Ruben Cervantes (Javier Bardem), an old friend and rival, needs some wins to save the team, he tracks down Sonny.

And the old dog knows a few tricks.

Naturally, his tactics put him at odds with his teammate, Joshua Pierce (Damson Idris), and his cocky attitude is a big red flag to the team’s engineer, Kate McKenna (Kerry Conden). So the movie all the tropes of a sports film, and I don’t think I need to summarize further. But it’s not a sports film. Or rather, it’s not just a sports a film. Surprise, surprise, it’s the western myth transposed into a racing a story.

It’s spelled out in the trailer, but it didn’t strike me until the very end.

Kate calls Sonny Hayes an “old school rough and tumble cowboy” in a line used in the marketing. When he arrives in the garage, only Ruben knows him. Sonny is the stranger in town. Like James Garner in Support Your Local Sheriff, his method of restoring order and winning is unorthodox and effective. Like Shane, in that Alan Ladd classic, he’s guarded about his past. And like John Wayne in The Searchers and so many other westerns, Sonny Hayes is the outsider who must leave civilization once he’s made it civilized for those who belong there.

But he doesn’t.


Perhaps the hardboiled crime story, another uniquely American genre, is also an outgrowth of the western. Philip Marlow is the man who must walk down mean streets, who is not himself mean. As Raymond Chandler said, “He is a lonely man and his pride is that you will treat him as a proud man or be very sorry you ever saw him.” Basically, the man he’s describing is dangerous, but not cruel. Dispassionate in taking revenge, and restrained by a code of honor.

But destined to be lonely, nonetheless.

Why we’ve made that an essential part of the American is a topic for another time. But there it is. And it’s the story of Sonny Hayes. At the end of the movie [SPOILER], he rides off into the sunset as the credits roll. The western isn’t dead. It’s still there, in essence, speaking to our hearts in different ways.

Nothing more American than that. 

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Girl-Power Isn't the Problem: Stop Treating Movies Like TV Pilots

Last weekend I was able to sneak off the theater for a screening of From the World of John Wick: Ballerina. Did I feel silly, telling the high school girl at the ticket counter, “One for Ballerina, and a small drink”? Well, not in the moment. 

I probably drank a liter of cherry vanilla Coke Zero, and that didn’t feel so great.

Plenty of box office analysts and Hollywood types are wracking their brains, trying to figure out why movies like Furiosa and Ballerina aren’t drawing huge crowds. Mad Max and John Wick are popular franchises, but apparently telling the stories of the women in those worlds isn’t working. Even if the movies are pretty good.

I’ve seen both, and they’re pretty good.

Some are arguing that no one will go near a movie that looks like it’s feminist girl-bossing. Others counter that movies like Alien and Kill Bill are female-led action films that were successful. Now, I’m not going to say that Ballerina is on par with those modern day classics. But I will say that, as a man watching the movie, it didn’t offend me. The movie never challenged me to confront any internalized misogyny. The small girl doesn’t take down John Wick in hand-to-hand combat.

Honestly, if you like franchise, whether you’re male or female, you should watch Ballerina.

In short, from a purely cinematic experience perspective, neither Furiosa nor Ballerina would be any better or worse with a male lead. Maybe that’s a hot take. But that’s mine, for whatever it’s worth. Well, okay, I wouldn’t watch a movie called Ballerina if it stared a dude. Nevertheless, I think you get my point. Petite women warriors aside, the plots and action are exactly as expected.

So what’s the deal?

Well, what no one seems to have noticed is that Ripley and The Bride weren’t replacing anyone. As we were watching their movies for the first time, we weren’t thinking about other characters for whom we already had a preference. Movies are more like TV than TV right now, and replacement characters have always been a hard sell, regardless of gender. We all remember Sam and Diane. Who still talks about Sam and Rebecca (even though Kirstie Alley won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for the part)? I had to look up her name. 

No, they aren’t technically replacing them. It’s a spin-off, set in the same world.

Spin-offs tend to succeed when the characters are already well established (eg: Frasier). Furiosa and Ballerina are more like backdoor pilots, where new characters are dropped in for a single episode to sell us on the idea of a new show. This technique is very hit and miss on TV, and I can’t think of a single example of this working in a movie franchise. Film and television are very different mediums, and should be treated as such.

Still, if it doesn’t work on TV, it’s probably not gonna work at the movies. Not where new characters and spin-offs are concerned. 

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Going Back to 1995

Maybe I’m just getting old, but it doesn’t feel like we had the thriving and distinct pop culture of past generations. Has there been a look or stye, or feeling, that defines this moment? Everything seems to have stagnated for the last twenty years. And it’s not as if I don’t pay attention. 

It’s making me nostalgic. 

Consequently, for the rest of the year, I’m prioritizing movies from 1995, the year I was twelve. At that time, my family didn’t really go to the theater, and when we did rent VHS tapes, more often than it is was older Disney movies or entirely forgettable Christian titles. Now that I’ve grown tired of trying to keep up with new releases, not there’s much worth watching anyway, it feels like a good time to catch up on those 30 year old movies that have become ingrained in what’s left of our pop culture.

So over on Criticless, I made a list.

Some of these are movies I’ve seen before, but not in a long time. Others will be first time watches for me. There’s really no rhyme or reason to what I put on my list. It’s just movies that either interest me, or are currently in my collection, sadly unwatched. As things become available on streaming, I may add to the list. And if I don’t get to everything before the end of the year, no big deal.

Hopefully, they aren’t going anywhere. 

I’ll be posting some reviews and analysis as I go, so be sure to follow me here. 

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